Rudolph is the only good reindeer

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen …

… and they’re all trash.

Rudolph, the red-nosed prince of Christmas, is the only good reindeer. If you have another favorite reindeer, it’s time to switch allegiances and go all in for Rudolph.

The other reindeer are terrible, exploitative bullies.

The most obvious evidence that the other reindeer are bad lies in the very lyrics of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” In Rudolph’s early days — his childhood, his most formative years! — he was met with nothing but disdain from his peers, who “laughed” at him, “called him names,” and refused to include him in activities. (In the 1964 Rankin/Bass stop-motion film, bro reindeer Donner was the ringleader of this gang of tormentors.)

Of course, this wasn’t because of anything Rudolph had done wrong. It was simply because of his atypical red nose.

This alone should be enough to permanently banish Donner and the others to the wrong side of holiday history, but somehow, it’s hasn’t been. Even today, many people seem tempted to excuse the other reindeer’s behavior. After all, the bullies eventually saw the error of their ways and “loved” Rudolph, right?

Well, yes. But they loved him when his red nose saved their asses.

rudolph the rednose reindeer is a song about capitalism and how you’re only valued if you have use for the society

— manny (@btscyphrs) December 15, 2016

Without Rudolph, the other reindeer weren’t able to do their jobs — navigate the skies to complete the Christmas toy delivery. Rudolph, then, presented an opportunity for the other reindeer to benefit economically. With his help, they could keep their jobs; self-interest compelled them to treat the red-nosed reindeer well.

(Santa’s implicated here too, by the way. Don’t be fooled into thinking he hired Rudolph out of mere compassion. Dude works one day a year and he doesn’t have time to schedule some team-building games? Where is the North Pole human resources team?)

I’m certainly not the first to articulate this issue. As numerous rose emoji tweets and posts on r/ShowerThoughts have asserted, the story of Rudolph posits that “deviation from the norm is punishable unless it can be exploited.”

rudolph the red nosed reindeer is a song about deviation from the norm being punished unless it can be exploited

— Showerthoughts (@rShowerThoughts) November 27, 2017

So stay on the right side of history. Don’t be alt and say your favorite is Vixen because you think she might be a woman. Vixen excluded Rudolph from the reindeer games too! 

Instead, champion Rudolph, the maligned underdog who saved the day and wasn’t even thanked with a livable wage, probably. Do the reindeer even get Christmas presents of their own?

Anyway, happy holidays. Good luck bringing this up at Christmas dinner.

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